How to Help Your Loved One

It can be awkward and uncomfortable for friends and family trying to relate to a loved one who struggles with infertility. Of course they want to be supportive and loving, but what can they say to help? It's hard to know exactly how to support someone facing reproductive loss and assisted reproductive technology (ART) choices.

Well, I'm here to help! Read on....

You can make a BIG difference in the life of someone struggling to have children, and faced with a myriad of ART choices. I think it's actually harder on couples struggling with infertility today, because ART technology promises to give you a baby but doesn't always deliver. There are statistics that must be weighed and they are not always in your favor. It all comes at a really high price -- emotionally, mentally, physically and financially. There are no easy choices.

If you want to be a trusted and thoughtful friend or family member, then consider the following guidelines on helpful things you can say and do:

• Respect your friend’s privacy. Don’t discuss your loved one's situation with outsiders unless she/he's given you permission.
• Get in your kitchen and make a casserole or baked goods to deliver to your friend. If you’re not a cook, then order take-out from your favorite restaurant. You thoughtfulness will be appreciated. Comfort food such as chicken and dumplings, collard greens, meatloaf, mashed potatoes, corn bread, sweet potato casserole, macaroni and cheese, pecan pie and red velvet cake is always best.
• Offer to do chores. Imagine a pile of laundry staring you in the face after you've just experienced a pregnancy loss, failed IVF attempt or laparoscopic surgery (to remove a tubal pregnancy). Take the initiative and help your loved ones by taking some burdens off of his/her shoulders. The little things always help.
• When you grocery shop, call your friend to ask what he might need from the store.
• Suggest a low key outing that will help get his mind off of the loss or fertility problem.
• Just listen. Don’t pass judgement.
• Try not to assume that you understand how your friend is feeling. Never say, “I know just how you feel,” if you’ve never experienced a pregnancy loss or infertility.
• Allow your friend time to heal. Be patient. Don’t try to rush her through the grieving process. Avoid statements like “Wow, it’s been a long time since you lost your baby. Don’t you think it’s time to move on?”
• Downplay your Suzy Sunshine personality if needed. Having a positive attitude is one thing but being annoyingly perky is to be avoided. Never say: “Everything is going to be fine.” You don’t actually know that anything is going to get better and you don’t need to make promises that you have no way of keeping.
• Know your own limitations. If your friend seems depressed and your efforts are not helping or if you don’t know how to help, encourage your friend to seek out a professional counselor. Sometimes a helpful suggestion can steer a person back on the road to recovery.
• What to say: "I'm sorry." "I don't know how you feel, but I'm here to listen if you want to talk." "I am sorry for your loss." "Is there anything I can do for you?"

© 2010 Lesley Vance

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