Fertility problems affect both women and men. In about half the cases, male infertility is a factor needing to be addressed. When a reproductive problem occurs, it seems that most doctors and nurses focus all of their attention on the woman. While men are very much a part of the equation, they unfortunately stand on the sidelines during pelvic exams and ultrasounds. Because of all the drama, women sometimes fail to remember that their significant other has his “own” reactions and feelings about what’s going on.
Men have feelings too. They can feel sad, depressed and confused by pregnancy loss and fertility problems. They may even feel angry and disappointed because their expectations of having children are not being met. It’s not always all about us women.
I have a tendency to get caught up in my own emotions and sometimes I forget that my husband needs me. In the midst of our fertility crisis, I remember sitting on the the sofa one day feeling really depressed and sad about my three pregnancy losses. I was crying and talking, feeling overwhelmed by my own thoughts and feelings. As I reached for a tissue on the coffee table I looked over at my husband and saw something in his eyes that made me stop and think. Oh my god, he’s really hurting, too...and here I am crying and blubbering about my feelings. He’s not saying much. I need to shut up and give him room to talk and even cry if he feels like it. I need to be there for him.
It's okay to be consumed by your own feelings, but take time to notice how your significant other is faring. He may not be holding it together as well as you think. Take time to be his shoulder to lean on. Listen. Be present. Let him express himself in his own time and way. It will help the two of you grow in your relationship and enable you to grieve together.
© 2010 Lesley Vance
Photo credit: istockphoto.com
6 comments:
I think that's great that you realized your husband was hurting too. I used to work at an adoption agency and we did counseling with couples who were dealing with infertility. It really is an intense grief process and both men and women feel the hurt, just express it in different ways. Good luck with everything.
thanks!
My husband and I went through years of fertility, so I feel your pain and proud of you to realize your husband's pain and frustration as well. We adopted and it was by far the best decision we ever made! Children are wonderful and a true blessing.
I'm sorry that both of you are having troubles and sorrows. It is good that you are there for each other - both ways. Prayers that something good will happen.
sandie
Thanks Sandie, I am sooo thankful for my hubby. He's a keeper. I know a lot of couples who have divorced over infertility stuff which is sad....I'm counting my blessings!
Hi Lesley, thanks for the follow. Great advice here. I think whether it's in relation to infertility or not, we often forget our partners have feelings too as they are not inclined to show them like women do. This is something that I am trying to be more aware of too...
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