"I Hear a Heartbeat"

Last night I was at a local club watching the Psychedelic Furs perform. Richard Butler is the lead singer, having originally created the band in 1977 with his brother and guitarist John Ashton. I remember hearing the Psychedelic Furs music for the first time when I was in high school. I watched the movie "Pretty in Pink" at least 20 times and loved the entire soundtrack. Needless to say the music brought back memories from high school. It seemed like only yesterday.

Then, the Furs sung another song I had never heard before titled "Heartbeat". One of the lines was, "I hear a heartbeat". That was the only line I could understand as the music blared in my ears and people cheered all around.

I never thought much about heartbeats, my heartbeat or other people's heartbeats, until I was pregnant. That one line in the song took me back to another place in time. I remember seeing my baby's heartbeat for the first time. It was an amazing moment. My baby's heartbeat was a little white flicker on the screen. It looked like a little star twinkling so bright.

Sadness filled my heart as I stood among hundreds of Psychedelic Furs fans. I wondered if I was the only one in the room thinking about sorrow and pain. As I looked around heads were nodding and people were throwing back beers. They all looked so happy and mellow. Not a worry in the world. I thought I want to be free from my memories. I don't want a simple lyric in a song to always remind me of my loss. When will this ever end? How long will I be reminded of the babies I lost?

I let out a long sigh and refocused on the band. The music. The vibrations of energy pulsing all around brought me back to the present moment. Loss stays with us, but in time it gets easier to let go and be present.

My reminder to self: focus on my blessings such as my health and the love and support of family and friends. Today I am especially thankful for the beautiful blue skies and the fact that I am healthy and able to play tennis, a sport that I truly love. I am thankful for the friends with whom I played tennis this morning and am thankful I have a full day ahead of me to be productive and continue working toward my personal goals.

What are you thankful for today?